The air was crisp and cool, sun shining on my face warming my soul, but the muscles in my legs quivered like Jell-O and I felt as if I had never exercised a day in my life. Instead of focusing on the beauty of the day, I was obsessing over how quickly my heart was racing — despite the fact I was simply walking— and wondering if my heart was on track to explode. Self-defeating thoughts overtook my mind. “I’m so out of shape, what’s the point? I’ll never get back to running or feeling good. How embarrassing.” The urge to jump into the woods to hide from passing cars was intense because I didn’t want the people who typically saw me running to know I had been forced to walk.
Dealing with pericarditis since September has drastically changed my routine. Over the summer I was cranking out 10 to 15 milers and even though I felt like crap on most of them, I was still able to do it. I’m a very competitive person by nature and have been running since the age of 5, so my cardiologist’s advice to stick to walking for a while and take it slow didn’t sit well with me. Immediately I thought, “I’d rather do nothing then go for a walk. Is it even worth lacing up my shoes?” But I was going stir crazy, needed fresh air, and figured I should probably listen to my doctor in order to avoid another giant needle in my chest. And so began my walking journey which ended up drastically shifting my mindset in an unexpected way.
The shift didn’t magically occur overnight. Instead I remained on that self-defeating path for a few days. But I had this inner resolve to at least get outside everyday. I’m not even sure where that came from, but I forced myself out the door trying to convince myself that at least it was a step in the right direction. The more I moved, the more the negativity dissipated.
Blasting a killer playlist and getting lost in the music is one of the things I always look forward to on a run. But since being reduced to a walk, it never felt right starting the music right away. To my surprise, I’d end up walking for over an hour without ever pressing play. That 1st mile in silence drew my attention to the peacefulness of the morning, hearing only the crunch of my feet and the occasional bird squawking overhead. Squirrels scampering through the leaves startled me so I’d spend the next few minutes scanning the woods for bears and deer. Rock ledges and deer runs caught my attention for the first time despite having run this road for the past 15 years. I truly started to appreciate being present, noticing everything around me. By the time I completed my route my mind was at ease and my spirit possessed an energy that was lacking when I started.
When I was finally able to incorporate some running into my routine it felt like an alien had taken control of my body. My legs felt like rubber, just as they had when I started walking, and my painfully slow movement required way more effort than it should have. I felt uncoordinated as I shuffled along and it was truly like trying to run through quicksand. Visions of my heart seizing, causing me to drop dead in the middle of the road, haunted the back of my mind. I battled those thoughts by thanking God for the ability to run and despite how weird and terrible my body felt, at least I was trying.
Today on a route that I’ve run countless times, I came upon a pond that I’ve passed hundreds of times before. A fresh dusting of snow blanketed the ground, the outer edge of the pond was newly frozen displaying footprints from wildlife that had dared to brave the thin ice, and the sun was peeking through the evergreens. I thought about how pretty it was and continued on. But then I thought, “Why the heck aren’t you stopping?” In the past I would’ve made a mental note of how pretty it was before shifting my focus back to my pace or how many miles I had left and by the time I finished, the memory of that pond would be long gone. So today I stopped and took it all in. The stillness surrounding me made its way into my being, clearing my mind and soul. I felt more connected to the earth than I have in ages and it’s a feeling I don’t want to forget or take for granted anymore.
Of course there are times, like when we’re training for a race, that pace really does matter. The problem is, I’ve been running with that mindset for most of my life, even when none of that actually matters. When this all first happened I became so wrapped up in my head, beating myself up by focusing on what I could no longer do. Then it dawned on me that I’ve spent so much of my running life focused on times, splits, or distance while perpetually comparing myself to how fast I was before or how fast I think I should be. Typically that just led to unfulfilling runs. But now, even though I’m slower than ever and I have to remain cautious, I am able to see that running is so much more than just a distance or time.
My competitive spirit will always live inside me, but it doesn’t have to dominate me. Being forced to slow down has allowed me to rediscover the simplicity of running and appreciate the freedom I experience merely by moving my body. It’s as if I’m reborn on every run. I’m looking forward to this new phase of my running life. I can’t wait to be strong enough for a hard workout, not so I can beat some arbitrary time goal I’ve set, but because I want to feel my body working hard as it pushes its limits and I see what I am capable of.
The slower pace has honestly been a gift and one that I will continue to embrace. I haven’t looked forward to my runs like this since I was a kid, running around freely and mindlessly. I hope we all can take a moment to evaluate the things we do and make adjustments so we can find joy in the little things, or the big things, that used to bring us joy: a walk, being outside, the ability to notice creatures in the woods, the stillness of an early winter morning, the people surrounding us, our bodies and the miraculous things they are capable of.
Where do you need to reclaim joy? How can you reframe your thoughts about something that’s dragging you down? Go outside, take a deep breath and make a commitment to slowing down. Take this opportunity to notice and cherish something that stirs and refreshes your soul and then give thanks for it.
Isaiah 40:31~ But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.