The Celebrate Life Half Marathon is only a few days away, and despite being in no shape to go run 13.1 miles, I’m surprisingly excited! Typically I would never enter a race knowing I was only capable of running half the distance, but it’s amazing how much my attitude has shifted over the years. For the first time (probably ever!) I’m not obsessed with my time, and I am content knowing I can (and will be) walking a lot of it. For someone who has always been too competitive for my own good, that’s a big deal!
To be completely honest though, the last few weeks haven’t been the most encouraging. I caught a nasty cold that sucked all the energy out of me, making a few of my 3-4 mile runs nearly impossible. It definitely did not boost my confidence. What should’ve been my highest mileage week turned into one where I missed three days in a row because I couldn’t breathe and I feared triggering another round of chest pain.
I’m feeling better now thankfully, but I’m still not 100%. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I actually felt 100% especially in the last two years. The triple whammy of perimenopause, long-haul, and pericarditis has really kicked my ass, but it hasn’t kept me down. My physical capabilities have taken a hit, but that has only strengthened my resolve to keep going. My calf has decided to seize up at random moments on my last two runs, but I’m hoping all of these issues have decided to show up now so by race day there will be nothing left to go wrong. Either way I’m showing up.
There’s something very powerful about pinning on a race bib. I never gave it much thought, but it’s a defining moment signifying all the hurdles one has overcome to get there – the hours of preparation, learning to live outside of your comfort zone, growing stronger mentally and physically, conquering doubt and negativity, mustering up the courage to even show up (especially when you know you aren’t ready), putting decades of emotional struggle behind you– and it all comes together to be celebrated when you display that hard earned number and step up to the line.
I’ve never given much (if any) thought to the thousands of people who pin their bibs on each weekend as they step up to the line as part of their own personal journey. Typically I’d stand among them oblivious to every individual, trapped in my own world, worried about how many of them will beat me to the finish. Not this time!
This time I’m going to stand proudly among the crowd soaking it all in. I’m eager to interact with others, hear their stories, and offer encouragement. I’m going to actively acknowledge and appreciate those around me, especially the spectators who, in the past, I’d be too focused inward to acknowledge. Now I’m looking forward to focusing on everything and anything other than myself.
I’m not kidding myself. I know it’s going to be extremely challenging but I’m genuinely excited for this challenge. It signifies a new chapter of my life and celebrates my new outlook. This chapter of my life certainly has had its challenges that frustrate me. But I realized while sitting in a hospital bed waiting for the fluid to drain from my heart that I had a critical choice to make. I could feel sorry for myself and be angry about my situation and give in to my circumstances. Or I could for once, vow not to give in to my tendency to give up and be a passive victim. Instead, I could view it as an opportunity, a chance to turn things around and embody what it means to be strong, resilient and a fighter.
Being unable to breathe thanks to excruciating chest pain scared the crap out of me and ignited a spark deep inside me that shook me to my core and fired up the resolve to fight — and that changed everything. I decided that no matter what I was going to fight.
Of course, I still struggle and have my moments of weakness because I’m human and a work in progress. But I haven’t forgotten how lucky I am that I got the chance to choose. I know without a doubt that God has a plan for me and even though I have no idea what that looks like, I’m OK with that. I just have to continue to trust that it’s all working together for my good. If I’ve learned anything these past two years, it’s that we have to take each day one step at a time. And that’s exactly how I’m going to approach this race – one moment, one step at a time, and I’m going to celebrate and be grateful for each and every one.