When I had Covid back in March of 2021, I never thought I’d be dealing with residual issues 11 months later – especially not heart issues. I had read articles early on about some athletes who had experienced heart problems and faced a long recovery after covid, but of course I never imagined I would be one of them. Yet here I am, six emergency room trips and two hospital stays later, still trying to figure it all out.
Two weeks ago I had follow ups with my cardiologist and rheumatologist. I left the appointments feeling encouraged because my dose of steroids had been reduced to a minimum and I had started to feel pretty good on a few of my runs. The next day, however, the dreaded chest pain returned. I tried to ignore it in hopes that it would pass, but when it intensified my husband insisted we go to the ER to see if the fluid had returned. After seven hours in the hospital and what seemed like a million tests later, I was discharged because thankfully there was no fluid or clots present. Their answer was to increase the steroids once again and in two days I felt much better. I was tired and frustrated about the steroids, but the pain was gone.
I have to be completely honest though. As much as a relief it is, it’s frustrating when all the tests come back basically normal, but no one can actually see what’s causing the pain or racing heart rate. All they can do is speculate. And there seems to be no rhyme or reason to the onset of the debilitating pain. I was literally sitting on my couch doing nothing, when suddenly my pulse soared to 98 (it’s usually in the 50s) and stayed that way for several days.
Yesterday I finally had a stress test done. I’m happy to say, I nailed it! I smiled when the nurses told me how impressed they were with my performance. The tech who did my echo remarked that I have a beautiful heart that takes amazing pictures (something other techs have said to me throughout this whole ordeal as well). My cardiologist assured me that everything looked great with no signs of anything to be concerned about. That’s all amazing news and I’m so grateful my doctor didn’t tell me my arteries are blocked and that I need surgery. Thank God for that. I’m sincerely grateful. Though I have to admit, I’m still frustrated.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s a huge relief to be able to go running and not have to wonder if there’s a blockage waiting to do me in, or any major damage that would prevent me from continuing on with my life. But the thought is always in the back of my mind – When will it come back? And why? The fact that I can’t pinpoint what causes each episode drives me nuts. If I knew the trigger, I would avoid it. And knowing that my heart has obviously been affected by a virus that causes my heart rate to unexpectedly skyrocket and the lining around my heart to become inflamed is unsettling.
But here’s the thing. Despite my frustration and annoyance, I’m not letting it consume me. And that’s not typical for me. I’ve had setbacks in the past that have really brought me down. But by far this has been my biggest setback – It’s my freaking heart after all! This time however, it ignited a fighting spirit within me. Despite everything I mentioned above, I’m more determined than ever. Sure, I’ve had to slow down and essentially start running all over again, but at the same time, it’s helped me fall in love with it and that has only benefited me in all areas of my life.
Today was the farthest I have run since this whole ordeal began. Despite being slow and having to walk the longer hills, I enjoyed it more than ever. When I first saw the heavy snow falling outside my window, I admit I dreaded going out in it. I immediately started procrastinating and tried to justify taking the day off. “I could use a rest day. I’m tired. I won’t be able to see because it’s snowing too hard. What does it even matter?” But that mind game that has been a part of my psyche for as long as I can remember lasted only a few minutes. It did not convince me to do something I knew I would regret later. Instead I suited up and ran 7 miles through 2 inches of freshly fallen snow, my footprints the only marks on the road. I couldn’t help but smile the entire way.
Moments like these encourage me because they remind me that something good can always come out of difficult situations.
I’ve spent months living in fear, not knowing if my heart was going to explode. I watched through tears as a doctor inserted a giant needle into my chest. These trials really made me grateful for things I had become accustomed to and started taking for granted. I cherish every single second with my family. Even though I am frustrated at having to walk, after seeing so many people in the hospital who can’t walk at all, I am able to dismiss that frustration and be grateful for the ability. Even though my runs are slow and quite often hurt more than usual, I love the feel of moving my body and being outside in the fresh air.
I find it easier to live in the moment and take each day as it comes. One day I will feel completely healthy, yet wake up the next day in pain. As annoying as that is, it has taught me to make the most of every day and to thank God for the ability to do so. I don’t know what tomorrow (or even the next hour) will bring, but I am going to do my best to embrace this new sense of gratitude for the moment I’m in. I’ve wasted too much time procrastinating, entertaining negative thoughts and worrying about the future. So right now I’m going to bundle up, step out into the sunshine and go for a run and think about all of the things around me that I’m thankful for. I encourage you to do the same.
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Determination gives you the resolve to keep going in spite of the roadblocks that lay before you. ~ Denis Waitley
Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. – 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18