Doesn’t it drive you crazy when you’re talking to someone and you know they’re not fully listening to you? You know the type, someone who is completely distracted by everything around them, constantly glancing at their phone, obviously biting their tongue because they can’t wait to interrupt and give you their rebuttal or are too busy thinking up a response. It’s extremely frustrating to try to have a conversation with someone who does any of the above and I’m sure we’re all guilty of these behaviors from time to time. I’ll be the first to admit I am.
Lately I’ve been asking myself: How often do I listen to people in a way that makes them feel heard? Do I have a tendency to give my undivided attention only to certain people? Do I feel the need to formulate a comeback all the time, or am I able and willing to truly listen to anyone I talk to in such a way that makes them feel heard, valued and loved? Perhaps it’s easy for you to do, especially with a close friend, but what about with a complete stranger? Better yet, imagine yourself having this type of conversation with a homeless drug addict who has been ignored by every single person who passes by.
That might seem like a stretch, it certainly was to me. What would I even say? Would it be safe? Would I feel stupid? What’s the point when we have nothing in common? I’ve asked myself all of these questions and used them as excuses, but this summer I witnessed people who didn’t think twice about starting conversations with typically forgotten people and it deeply affected us all, prompting me to question myself.
While we were reflecting on our summer experiences, my youngest son commented on how impactful it is when a person you are talking to actively focuses on you and what you’re saying, while actually caring about what you say. We didn’t realize how much this skill is lacking in our society until we met our new friends on the Extreme Tour, most notably Jason.
We would be out late at night, walking around a city and Jason wouldn’t think twice about sitting down next to a homeless person on a bench and starting a conversation. People who many of us tend to overlook and avoid almost always opened up to him. Imagine how powerful it must’ve been for a person who has lost everything (And it could very easily happen to any one of us due to illness, accidents, trauma, or one bad choice) to feel loved and that they still matter. Over and over people would express gratitude for his willingness to stop and talk to them instead of walking over them or crossing the street to avoid them. He let them know that they matter.
We also heard stories from one of our hosts who approached a teenage girl covered in tattoos and piercings with brightly colored hair sitting alone at a skatepark. When this middle aged woman started a conversation with her about music she opened the door for more meaningful conversation. Eventually the girl broke down in tears because she was so touched that someone actually listened to her without judgment. She commented “Most people just look away or cast scornful looks at me. Thank you for caring.”
Another amazing guy named Paul, who hosted the extreme tour at his outreach, demonstrated authentic love for others and brought me to tears. During a Brotality set a man (who we later found out to be schizophrenic and having med issues) was initially having a blast. But then he started acting strange. Paul had worked with him before and knew what to watch for. Eventually the man had to be confronted. Paul (who is a former Green Beret) and his coworker approached him and managed the situation. What I witnessed was incredible. In the middle of a heavy-metal show, he stood there with one arm around the man’s shoulder and the other behind his head gently massaging his neck while looking him straight in the eye. He spoke to him and looked at him with such kindness and compassion that even though I couldn’t hear anything he was saying, I could feel the love and concern several feet away. He obviously stayed by his side for the safety of the crowd, but he did not shy away from leading with love. It was so genuine I couldn’t help but be moved to tears.
Travis, the lead singer from Chaotic Resemblance , embodied the quality of a great listener as well. He and all of his band mates have been incredible role models and an inspiration to my boys. They had the opportunity to run with Travis after one of their shows. Afterwards both of my kids said it was an amazing experience to run and talk with him. Even though they were running and not sitting down face-to-face, he had the ability to listen intently and make my boys feel valued and heard by reflecting back what they were saying and responding to them in a genuine manner. Of course there are people in our daily lives who also demonstrate this trait but we don’t always take the time to reflect on them or appreciate this quality. We vowed to do better at letting those people know just how much we appreciate them.
By the end of the tour we witnessed our kids and their bandmate following these examples. At one particular event a young teenager started talking to them about the event, and instead of disregarding him and his little brother because they were saying crazy things and trying to act cool, they actively listened, let them talk and then kept the conversation going by asking questions about them and being kind. The brothers stayed for the show, the band gave them a shout out from stage and dedicated a song to them. Their reaction was priceless. They were so genuinely excited that they remembered their names and cared enough to say them from stage. The next day their mom messaged the band saying how grateful she was for the positive impact they had on her kids who were currently in a very tough life situation. They had no idea how impactful being present could be.
I’ve tried to follow their examples at shows and after encouraging people to share their story and reassuring them that they aren’t alone, people have told me it was exactly what they needed to hear and they were ready to make a change. I’m not saying any of this to pat myself on the back. I’m saying it because I used to think a conversation with a stranger or someone I’d never see again would never make a difference.I was completely wrong. I can no longer use that as an excuse.
The next time you’re having a conversation, whether it’s with your husband, child, coworker, acquaintance, fast food server, waitress, cashier etc., pay attention to your interaction. Did you make eye contact and listen with undivided attention? Did you leave them feeling better than when you first interacted? Did you make them feel like you valued them?
I’m trying really hard to honestly answer these questions because I know how much of an impression Jason and all the others made on my family. I admit, I have a very difficult time starting conversations with people, especially complete strangers, and I could give you a big long list of excuses. But after spending time with all these amazing people, I find myself being more bold and definitely a better listener.
When I think of Jason, Paul and Travis, I can’t help but see Jesus in them. The kindness, compassion and love they show to everyone they encounter emulates what I picture Jesus doing. I need to really work on this, but I am so thankful my family and I got to witness their example that has inspired and taught us all a valuable lesson. There is an abundance of people in the world who can’t be bothered to listen and who would rather judge, lecture or point out all of the flaws in others. Just imagine how great it would be to sit across from someone who makes you feel valued and heard and when your interaction is over they leave you feeling hopeful and loved. Imagine that. Now go out and be that person to someone else. Start simply by listening to those around you with a focus to HEAR and SEE and VALUE them. I promise you, it will change your life for the better.
James 1:19 – My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.
Proverbs 18:13 To answer before listening— that is folly and shame.
Romans 12:10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.
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