Thanks to this incredibly annoying “mystery illness” I was extremely frustrated and annoyed last week.  For a few days I felt a subtle ache deep within my chest while the rest of my body didn’t seem quite right (something I can’t even explain), and then finally one night after dinner –  BOOM! – the dreaded pain around my heart returned, along with a migraine that I could feel taking root in my brain. What the heck?  I haven’t had a migraine in ages! I went to bed defeated and anxious because I had been taking such good care of myself, but when I compared myself to how I was a year ago, I didn’t seem to be doing much better. The pain wasn’t terrible and my pulse seemed fine, but it really drove me crazy not knowing if this was going to land me in the hospital with fluid around my heart again.

After tossing and turning most of the night, I woke up so freaking tired and nauseous along with a slight headache.  My brain was engulfed in a thick sludge that I couldn’t shake. I cringed at the thought of having to speak or move. Every cell within my body was begging me to just curl up in a ball and stay still. So I did just that. I wrapped myself up in a blanket next to my dog and decided to just give up. 

Of course as I was resting my body and waiting with each breath to see if the pain would return, guilt immediately flooded my mind as it shifted into overdrive with relentless questions. How can I still feel this way? What am I doing wrong? What’s causing this? Why don’t I have any answers? Am I ever going to be healthy again? What the hell is happening? The longer I sat there the more frustrated I got because I had no answers to these plaguing questions. I’ve had way too many years of experience with depression to know that this was a bad place to be in mentally and it could very quickly spiral out of control. Reluctantly I threw off the blankets, found my phone and searched Spotify for an album or a podcast that would hopefully inspire me.  I had nothing to lose and deep down I knew that sitting around trying to figure it all out was not the answer.  

As I walked past the front door I figured I may as well open it and peek outside. The cold air blasted my face, but when I saw the bright sunshine I realized that even though my body was not cooperating, my mind could overrule.  So I begrudgingly threw on my running clothes, laced up my shoes and downloaded a podcast. 

I honestly didn’t see how it would be possible for me to run, which is ridiculous because a few days prior I felt great running 5 miles. Today was obviously not going to be that day so I gave myself some grace. I told myself all I had to do was go for a walk. My body was obviously telling me something ( I just wish it would tell me exactly what already!) so I needed to listen to it and not push it too hard, but I also needed to get moving for my mind and soul. The temptation to go back to sleep was extremely powerful and difficult to overcome, so I literally had to force myself out the door. 

The first half mile was torture. My breathing was off, I was sweating profusely despite the cold, and moving my body definitely required more effort than it should have. With every inhale I silently prayed that my chest wouldn’t hurt. As the music blared in my ears I just kept putting one foot in front of the other. When I crested the first hill (which is the entire first mile of my road) I still felt terrible but I realized I was glad to be moving. I used the downhill to push me into a jog then ran super slow until I didn’t feel like it anymore. All in all I covered a total of 4 miles, (probably only running a mile and a half of it) but I’m OK with that. Instead of continuing to dwell on how bad I felt physically, the exercise empowered me to want to keep fighting. 

Believe me – I’m extremely annoyed and frustrated that I still feel this way after a year. For the last few months I was feeling stronger.  My last round of blood tests all came back normal so to have a flare up now really caught me off guard.  I was genuinely starting to believe I was on the tail end of this roller coaster. But no! Out of the blue the chest pain decided to rear its ugly head reminding me that this is apparently not over.  I’ve been dealing with this for over a year and I’m back to running this slow again? I felt as though I’d never run a step in my life. These setbacks drive my competitive side crazy! “You should be running twice as far and twice as fast!” Fortunately I can still remind myself to silence the “shoulds” because we all know that running, as well as life, is not one smooth, straight path from point A to B. There’s a whole lot of shit that goes on in between. Apparently this is another detour. 

There are moments when I ask myself what’s the point of even trying? However, I’ve learned that if I can lace up my shoes and move (whether it’s walking, running or crawling), then I can certainly keep fighting whatever the heck is going on in my body.  I love the saying – Your comeback will be bigger than your setback – and I know that it’s going to happen. Eventually. 

Another way to look at it is a little over a year ago I was lying on an operating table with a needle in my chest and today I’m out here walking 4 miles. It’s all perspective. I probably wouldn’t have found that perspective if I hadn’t forced myself to take action. I could very easily get stuck in resentment and annoyance, but the action of going outside for a walk shifted my thoughts and changed my attitude. And I really need a good attitude to fight whatever this is!

I’m not saying we have to get up and run every day no matter what, or that we shouldn’t listen to our bodies. But we do have to pay careful attention to the signals it’s sending us, and make a carefully informed decision. I knew that I didn’t feel terrible enough to have to stay in bed all day and my chest pains had subsided. I knew that it was OK to go for a walk based on everything my cardiologist has told me. I also know from experience what’s best for my mental health. And trust me –  I wanted to say screw it to all of those things because all I REALLY wanted to do was sit in the chair feeling sorry for myself.  I certainly came very close to doing just that. But I can tell you now that even though forcing myself out the door hurt physically and mentally, within 10 steps I instinctively knew I had made the right decision. 

Lots of people have reached out to me after reading some of my previous blogs to say they are going through very similar health struggles. It’s encouraging to know that they’re out there fighting similar fights without giving up and it’s helpful to know I’m not alone. This is such a strange and frustrating health issue so hearing other people’s stories really motivates me. Please keep sharing your stories!  I want to say to everyone out there who is currently fighting a battle -physical, mental or both – that we have to continually remind ourselves to just take it one step at a time.  As long as we keep moving forward nothing can stop us!

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“Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial; because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him.” James 1:12

“But in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.” Romans 8:37