For most of my life I’ve been obsessively  striving to be skinny. In my mind, mainly due to the culture at the time, skinny was synonymous with good. To look good you had to be skinny, therefore that’s what I was determined to be. Up until puberty I was what most people would call skinny, but as I matured the never ending battle with weight began. My perception of the ideal body was completely unrealistic, but being bombarded with images of rail thin models and professional runners led my adolescent mind to believe I would be victorious  if I resembled them. A handful of times I achieved that thinness, but it was never sustainable because my body was never meant to look like someone else (and most of the people I looked up to were secretly struggling with eating disorders and body image issues of their own). Even when I reached my “ideal” weight, I was  unsatisfied. My warped logic assumed that if I could become even thinner then of course I’d be faster and fitter. 

Since my last blog, I’ve heard from numerous people who struggle with body image. A common theme is that we all believed if we could force our changing bodies to stop developing, and become as thin as possible, then we’d be better athletes, and more valuable. Too many of us  battle this desire, and this unhealthy mindset persists. Entering perimenopause, when our bodies change yet again, can certainly trigger or exacerbate this struggle. 

Personally, I can vouch for how this feels. Fortunately though, I have been learning ways to be proactive, and I’m determined to let go of an unhealthy mindset and trade it for a more desirable one — one that embraces acceptance, gratitude, and strength. After all, what good is it to be “perfectly thin”, if on the inside we are all slowly dying?

Thankfully, there is more dialogue than ever regarding these issues, leaving me hopeful that we can change our perceptions and culture, especially for the sake of young kids. Now at the age of 52, I’m beginning to finally value strength. Not because of aesthetics, but because it’s crucial to my overall health.

Dealing with a frustrating illness for the past year and a half has taught me to respect the importance of both physical and mental toughness. Being stuck in a hospital bed tethered to an IV and heart monitors really motivates a person to initiate reflection on what’s actually important. Something shifted in me after being hospitalized twice. I was less fixated on how fast or skinny I was, (or hoped to be) and more focused on ways to appreciate the gift of movement in and of itself. The prospect of never being able to run, hike, or mountain bike again mortified me, so when I was cleared to walk and eventually run, I chose to be grateful. Being forced to start over slowly allowed me to appreciate the ability to walk and run while considering my relationship with my body. Ultimately, I’m realizing I don’t want to allow the mindset I dealt with for 40+ years to rob me of any more joy.

That’s not to say that I don’t  get frustrated with my body that hurts and does weird things for unknown reasons. There are times I yearn to be much faster and thinner, but the majority of the time I’m simply proud of myself for getting out there. And that’s so unlike me — the old me, the way-too critical- and-competitive-with-myself version of me.

Learning about what’s going on in my body as a woman in my 50s and how strength training (especially LHS – a.k.a. lifting heavy shit) is essential for good health, has been a game changer. It’s been ages since I’ve committed to strength work, but I remember how good it made me feel, how it helped me in every sport or adventure I was involved in, and how much I really enjoyed it. Back then none of that mattered though, because I feared it would ultimately make me too big. Girls were supposed to be skinny, not strong — at least that’s what I believed — and I couldn’t bear the thought of gaining weight from building muscle. But as I face getting older, I’m determined to strengthen my body to reap the powerful benefits for my overall health.

More and more women are speaking out and proving to the world that we can be FAST and STRONG and go FAR and have MUSCLES. How inspiring! I’d much rather weigh more and have curves if that means I’m going to have energy,  endurance, and a much better chance to thrive for a very long time. 

Studies show that lifting weights is critical in preventing bone and muscle loss as we age and improves countless functions in our bodies, even on a cellular level. That knowledge should empower us! Knowing there are proven ways to help me feel good as I get older is extremely motivating. I want this phase of my life to be freeing — free from self condemnation and criticism. I want to celebrate all the things I overlooked or under-appreciated growing up and finally feel good about my body.

When we look at what the female body is capable of  (hello — childbirth?) I’m sure we can all agree it’s pretty damn incredible. So why don’t we apply that to ourselves? Why do we say “Yes, but….” and become overly critical of ourselves? Why can’t we be proud of ourselves for exercising and taking care of ourselves instead of being frustrated with every little imperfection or setback? I think, at least for me, it’s from being bombarded from a very young age by all the images of models and athletes who were skin and bones, their pictures airbrushed, and constantly comparing myself to that ideal. 

We don’t need to buy into that anymore. We can choose a different approach that will make a huge impact on this next phase of our lives and hopefully we can be positive role models to the younger generation.

Let’s embrace strength in body and mind and celebrate the miracle of our bodies instead of sabotaging them. I don’t know about you, but I’ve punished my body long enough. Now it’s time to embrace it.

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