Not gonna lie. That run really hurt. In fact, the whole week hurt. The only other day I managed to run was Tuesday, which ended up being a six miler, despite my skepticism I’d even be able to manage three. Out of the blue, Monday night I got hit with sneeze attacks and a sore throat that only worsened throughout the week. Wednesday and Thursday I barely moved all day hoping some rest would get me back to normal. Friday I tried to run on the treadmill, but only managed 3 miles, most of which I walked. I was just too tired. I had plans to do a long run with a friend on Sunday, but due to another snow storm forecast for Saturday night, we decided to get it in on our own Saturday morning. I skipped the gym, got my bottle of Tailwind ready and made a killer playlist, then headed to the only flat place to run locally.

I put no pressure on myself about pace and simply hoped to log double digits. The week itself was a loss so I at least had to get a long run in. The sun felt great on my face, the air temperature was finally out of single digits and my playlist got me going. 

After 8 miles I made the decision to go for 13 because — well why not? I had no plans the rest of the day, I was finally outside again and I needed the mileage. Which is why at mile nine when my entire body seized up, I got very frustrated. I walked a bit to try to loosen up, drank more electrolytes and tried to warm up my freezing hands. I knew if I stopped before 13 I’d be disappointed because I had already committed to it. I wanted to test myself when things weren’t going well.

The last 2 miles hurt like hell. It’s so frustrating because it’s not like this is all new to me. But for whatever reason, my body seizes  up a lot lately and it really ruins the fun. Even the Bee Gees and Knocked Loose couldn’t help me run faster. I had to walk a few times and my earbuds died at 12.75 miles, but I somehow managed to finish at 13.1. I’m proud of myself for pushing through, but I honestly wasn’t happy. The pain is what’s so frustrating. 

There are some runs when I feel pretty damn good and then others like this one and last week where every step hurts. Of course I realized I was sick all week so that didn’t help. But after 10 miles my mind kept drifting to my goals and I wondered how I would ever manage the big one, which is a 55K at the end of June. If 13 hurt this much, how in the world am I ever going to run 35 miles?

 I began to doubt everything and found myself rehearsing how I would tell everyone that the birthday run is out. After all, who did I think I was daring to go for such an audacious goal? I should’ve kept my mouth shut.

I arrived home, could barely walk up the stairs, told my husband I was probably going to pass out and immediately lay down on the floor. Of course, I complained about my frustration, but then I grabbed the foam roller and began to roll and stretch. Soon my self defeating thoughts became less obnoxious as my body cracked and my muscles let go of some of the tension.

I know I’m not the only woman my age who is experiencing this frustration. I understand my body is going through a very turbulent time, and that the loss of estrogen affects everything. Joint and muscle pain is the biggest complaint I see from perimenopausal women. You feel great one day and the next you feel as though you’ve aged 30 years, and what was effortless yesterday is now a monumental challenge. It’s frustrating when you’re trying so hard to take care of yourself and still there are times your entire body seems angry. That’s not to say the healthy choices and sacrifices aren’t worth it. Undoubtedly they are. The fact that I even finished proves that.

So even though I’m frustrated by this pain at the moment, by progress that seems excruciatingly slow, my pace is maddening slow, it takes longer to recover and so many things about my body right now are unpredictable — there is a silver lining (which became apparent after rolling, stretching, drinking a giant smoothie and taking a hot shower.)

Sure, 15 years ago I ran a 1:50 half marathon DURING a marathon and I’m light years away from that right now. But I did cover the distance 10 minutes faster today than I did in my last race two years ago. So in a way I’m already ahead. Progress may be painfully slow, but it’s still there. I’m more motivated now to step up my game in the gym. I’ve been slacking and maybe that’s part of the problem. I’ll use this as the kick in the butt I need to get out of my rut. 55K seems absurd at the moment, but I remember training for my first 50K pretty much thinking the same thing. Of course back then my body bounced back much quicker, but I’m not going to quit.

I also have to remind myself that just six months ago I stopped running for over a month because I could barely walk. Back then I would’ve given anything to be able to walk a half let alone run one, no matter how slow. My body has been through the ringer the past three years, so between that and the hormone chaos happening in my body right now, I have to remind myself to be grateful and be patient.

 I had my six month follow up with my rheumatologist yesterday. All of my blood work is normal and that’s after stopping all meds a few months ago. That’s encouraging because not too long ago my labs were a mess and I was dealing with scary heart issues that we all hoped would just disappear as quickly and mysteriously as they appeared. He agreed that my hormones are probably the culprit in these final nagging symptoms and there’s nothing autoimmune related going on in my body right now. That’s a huge win. Throughout this whole ordeal, I’ve learned so much about myself, my priorities and I’ve gained a whole new outlook on life. I owe all that to God and answered prayer.

So sure, today’s run sucked for the most part. But it’s all part of the process and now it’s up to me to decide how I’m going to use it. Do I allow it to discourage me and use it as a tool to beat myself up? Or am I going to learn from it and focus on the silver linings? It’s not easy, but I am determined to keep moving forward one step at a time and be grateful for every lesson that’s presented. I know God wants me to continue to grow and with him leading, that’s what I plan to do.