Our bodies are capable of accomplishing amazing feats when we train and nourish them properly. It’s so exciting to experience an increase in our strength, mileage, and speed. On the other hand, our health and fitness can quickly fall apart if we neglect ourselves. My run this morning reminded me of that truth. Six months ago I ran a 34 mile self supported ultra. Six months prior to that I celebrated running a 10 miler — my first double digit run in ages and I couldn’t have run a step farther. This morning, a little over six months after my ultra, I struggled to finish 6 miles. I kept thinking back to June and truly couldn’t fathom going that far. I felt so spent and out of shape. How is it that I ran over five times the distance of today’s run a mere six months ago?
Before I turned 50, a discouraging run like today would have ruined my entire day. Feeling defeated and convinced I was fat, my inner dialogue would have urged me to either eat as little as possible for the foreseeable future or to say Screw everything. I’m already so far gone. I also would’ve berated myself for “letting myself go“ or told myself I had “been bad“ because of the choices I made that led me here. It took me a while, but I’ve grown to understand that eating isn’t a moral issue. Putting food in my body – regardless of what it is – does not make ME good or bad. Going for a run doesn’t make ME good. Skipping one doesn’t mean I’m bad. I’m simply making choices . My choice may be questionable and lead to negative consequences, but that has absolutely nothing to do with whether I am a good or bad person.
Maybe that seems obvious, but there’s no shortage of people who I hear uttering those same exact phrases. Not only are the words harmful when we repeat them to ourselves, but underlying the statement is a deeper sense of shame. Thankfully, I’ve learned to stop judging myself so harshly. Instead, I look at the facts objectively and try to move forward from there.
Here’s what that looked like today. I realized that one: I can’t run nearly as far as I did six months ago. Two: I’ve gained a few pounds. Three: I’ve eaten more processed food over the past few months. These are all true. So now, what am I going to do about it? That’s my reality. Do I want to change things? Yes I do. Do I want to beat myself up and allow guilt and shame to win? Not anymore. When I look objectively at the situation, I see that compared to six months ago I’m not as fit. But 12 months ago I was basically where I am now. I didn’t believe I could do it then, but now I KNOW I can. Things can certainly improve from here. The key was a willingness to consistently do the work and make tough choices, such as fueling my body properly before, during, and after a run so that my body could perform and recover, even when I didn’t want to or feel like it.
When I was younger, I was obsessed with trying to be as small as possible because I equated thinness with being faster, and I wanted to look like all the women on the cover of magazines. For decades I “hydrated” with diet soda, and consumed as little calories as I could get away with. I never fueled properly (did any of us in the 80s and 90s?). I thought it was a badge of honor if I could run twice a day on a few forkfuls of spaghetti and a couple of carrot sticks. Not once did it occur to me that eating well would give me strength and energy. Honestly, I probably wouldn’t have cared. All we cared about in high school in college was who was the skinniest.
In hindsight, it’s clear that mentality wore me down, made me irritable and unhappy. Is it any wonder I eventually dealt with depression, gut issues and auto immune disease? My poor body finally had to scream at me to get my attention.
Eventually, it all catches up with us. It could happen tomorrow, or it might be in 10 years. But unfortunately, it WILL happen. All of our habits will have consequences, but we typically choose not to believe that until it’s too late. Especially when we’re younger. And when we’re in our 20s and 30s, we have the biggest opportunity to build a strong foundation and create healthy habits to prevent most major diseases.
Because I was forced to change my lifestyle due to illness, I’m now well aware of how food and exercise affect my body — positively or negatively. When I’m hydrated and when I eat a banana or toast with peanut butter before running and then drink a nutrient packed smoothie afterwards, my mood, energy levels, performance and overall well-being is remarkably better. We ask so much of our bodies and yet when it comes to fueling them and giving them what they need so that we feel our absolute best, we torture ourselves by obsessing over a number on the scale, our pants size or comparing ourselves to some random ideal on social media. We feel we aren’t worthy of thriving, or we simply don’t care, or we don’t mind gambling with our future because nothing bad has happened yet. We believe the lies that we hear in our head telling us that we need to lose weight, take up less space or be lighter in order to perform better. We need to tell those thoughts that they can’t control us anymore.
Take it from me, someone who has been through it all and is now in her 50s, wanting nothing more than to continue running, lifting and doing all the things I love to do. Take care of yourself now no matter how old you are. You need to fuel your body. You need to move your body. You need to build strong bones. Your body will not tolerate neglect forever. Besides that, aren’t you curious to see how great you can feel and perform when your body and mind is thriving? Don’t miss out on that. We’re conditioned to think it’s OK not to feel amazing. We have so much more potential than we think.
Nobody cares how much you weigh. I learned that the hard way. I thought that if my weight was below a certain number (that I had arbitrarily pulled out of the air) that people would look at me differently, and then I would somehow feel better about myself. The only thing I felt was irritation and it was exhausting. Why in the world did I think anyone would notice that I gained 5 pounds overnight because I was in the middle of my cycle retaining water, which is what my body is designed to do? And why did I believe that if I quickly lost 5 pounds that somehow justified my existence or made me more worthy of love and respect? Obviously there are many reasons we get caught up in that trap, and it’s complicated. But can we at least recognize that it’s faulty thinking and that it is possible to think differently about ourselves?
Challenging your body and then giving it what it needs so that it can feel great and recover, enables you to come back stronger the next day (and the next and the next…) I’ve been reminding myself of that when I’m tempted to eat junk food or when I’d rather skip a meal altogether in order to consume less calories. I want to fuel my body properly so I have the chance of feeling better on my next run. My body deserves better.
Do I still hear the voices in my head from time to time trying to tell me that I’m too fat or too weak or too slow? Sure. But I refuse to listen to them anymore. I simply acknowledge them and then say screw that! I don’t need to believe you. Science tells me otherwise. Research tells me otherwise. Experience has taught me that those lies only set me up for failure. Starving myself when I was younger burned me out. I compromised my future by not lifting weights or fueling my runs. But instead of dwelling on my mistakes, I’m choosing to get excited about making healthier choices and witnessing my body respond.
I hope that wherever you are on your journey that you consider how you treat your body and how you think about it. Are you starving it? Depriving it of movement or nutrients? How do you want to feel 10 years from now? Thank God it’s never too late to take a step in the right direction. It’s not easy but I can tell you from experience — it’s so worth it! You are worth it and I am rooting for you.