You’re never too old to try something new. That’s an easy thing to say, but do you actually believe it? I’ve always embraced this mindset, however this week my belief was put to the test. My boys love indoor rock climbing, so when they invited my husband and I to join them, we jumped at the chance to check it out. If I’m being totally honest, most of my excitement was due to the fact that they chose to include us and that it afforded us the opportunity to watch them do something they loved. What parent doesn’t jump at that chance? I tried not to fixate on the fact that I’m terrified of heights and had just committed to attempt something that scared the crap out of me.
In an attempt to ease my fears on the drive over, I thought about what a great workout it would be as I tested my strength and agility. Those rose colored glasses quickly disappeared as soon as I was face-to-face with the actual wall. My kids failed to tell me that it stood in the lobby of a bustling sports center where everyone passing through could stop to watch. Not only that, all of the other climbers were in their 20s and clearly experienced. Self-doubt immediately flooded my body, and I had to resist the urge to flee the premises. Standing there, I felt awkward and out of place. Thankfully, my husband was there, and I drew comfort from his presence, as he’s terrified of heights and a newbie at this as well. Once we stepped into our harnesses and received our instructions, I watched him climb first. That eased some of my fear. When it was my turn, I focused on the wall and simply started.
Climbing wasn’t the difficult part. That part I enjoyed. Trying to find a reasonable hold, tapping into my strength, and thinking about the next move was fun. But when it was time to let go, I froze. My mind kept saying “Sit back. You’re totally safe.” And I understood that I was. I knew exactly what I needed to do. But the rest of my body fought back with a resounding No freaking way. My brain quickly shifted into preservation mode, which would not allow me to fall. Why would it? It was truly unsettling and went against all my instincts. I don’t know how, but I finally leaned back and survived my descent. On my next attempt, I climbed slightly higher and struggled less to fall back, but as I neared the floor, I somehow swung around and slammed my back into the wall. It didn’t hurt, but I felt so embarrassed. There was no reason to, of course, but it immediately erased any semblance of confidence I had previously gained.
My husband made it look easy as he reached the top on his second or third try. Seeing how high up he was while trying to imagine how I would feel up there totally freaked me out. My third attempt brought me even higher, but I froze again the moment I thought about having to let go if I went farther. I even climbed down a few feet because I was convinced I would never let go. Eventually I did, but I was growing frustrated. I simply couldn’t fathom climbing higher without freaking out.
As I sat there with sweaty hands and throbbing fingers, I realized the hurdle was more than just the terrible sensation of letting go. I grew worried that I’d somehow start spinning wildly out of control, crash into someone, smash into the wall or land on my face. I hated that other people were watching and for a split second imagined them all laughing and thinking Who does this old lady think she is? Of course I knew no one was actually thinking that. No one was really even paying attention. The ones that were, were nothing but super encouraging. But my imagination ran wild. As I noticed these negative thoughts starting to spin out of control my body tensed up causing my mind to insist that I give up.
I sat there silently and acknowledged what they had to say, then I changed the narrative. I repeated the encouraging words several people had already said to me. I asked myself if I was actually going to allow fear to win? The answer was no, so I reminded myself that I was safe and watched everyone else repeatedly let go from the top and easily make their way down.
My son insisted I try one more time, so before I could change my mind I hooked in. I made it halfway up the wall, my farthest yet, but my fear took over once again. My son and his girlfriend were cheering me on, telling me where to hold, but I had reached my limit. I could not go higher or let go. So I started climbing down, and when my hands could no longer hold me, I let go. This time I almost hit the dude next to me, but he was nice about it and helped me unclasp the safety rope because my hands were too tired. I was definitely ready to run away.
On the drive home my thoughts oscillated between never again and someday I’ll conquer that fear. Now a few days later, I’m leaning more towards the conquering part. Regardless of where my future lies in regards to climbing, I’m glad my husband and I didn’t hesitate to try something new. Even a few days later, I’m discovering powerful life lessons that were clearly on display.
Climbing was a perfect illustration of the importance of living in the moment. Over the years I’ve gotten better at this, but I still have a long way to go. I was fine as I was climbing up. The moment I started entertaining thoughts about what would happen if I kept going, I froze. Joy was in the moment. But the what ifs stole that joy. It was a great reminder of how futile and damaging it can be when we try to control and predict every outcome, imagine disastrous scenarios, or waste energy entertaining every what if that pops into our head. The moment we’re in is all we have. Worrying about the past or all the possibilities of the future gets us nowhere. That was crystal clear on the wall. It paralyzed me and prevented me from doing what I was capable of in that moment.
Worrying about what others think is also a waste of time and energy. Too often that fear prevents us from even trying. I almost allowed it to sideline me. Do I really believe everyone there was judging me for how I climb? That’s quite self-centered and judgmental on my part. We have no way of knowing what others are thinking (obviously I’m not a mind reader!) so why do I even entertain those imaginary thoughts?
I also was reminded about how difficult it is to surrender control. I knew the rope would catch me, but I couldn’t simply trust then let go. It’s so true in life. How often do I try to control outcomes and refuse to trust that God is in control? (As if I somehow know better than the creator of the universe!) Why do we so often hold onto things – fear, resentment, guilt, shame, anger – that prevent us from progressing forward? God tells us to release those to him, yet so often we cling to them for dear life. Surrender is key and something I clearly need to work on.
It’s amazing how one hour on a Tuesday night contained so many beautifully illustrated lessons.
No, I did not reach the top and I felt terrified on every climb, but didn’t I still accomplish something pretty cool? I faced my fear and kept trying. I’m proud of the fact that I have enough strength to push and pull my body up a wall. I’m excited that in my mid 50s I didn’t sit in the audience as a spectator. Hopefully my husband and I showed our kids that it is never too late to try something new, and how staying active and working out rewards us with strength and agility. I’m not giving up. Eventually I’ll reach the top. Having a scary goal will only make me stronger and life more adventurous and rewarding.
I hope whatever age you are you never stop dreaming and setting goals. I hope you realize that your body and mind are much more powerful and resilient than we typically think. And I hope you are inspired to try something scary, face a fear, set a goal, and do hard things. Maybe you won’t succeed immediately, but that’s where the lessons are — on the journey. It’s there that you experience growth and awe. Life is too short to sit on the sidelines.