Last week was a terrible week for running. Every morning my entire body hurt, so it took me forever to get going. My muscles and joints ached. It seemed as if every inch of my body was stiff and sore. My motivation was nonexistent. To make matters worse, I had an appointment with a new rheumatologist, which I was actually looking forward to, but within two minutes of meeting him all hope flew out the window, and I left the appointment more annoyed and frustrated than ever.
The burden of so many unanswered questions weighed heavy on my shoulders, making subsequent runs even more of a battle. The new questions my appointment raised, replayed over and over on a maddening loop in my mind urging me to give up altogether. But my stubbornness pushed me to keep going. Nothing about my runs that week felt good, but I at least got out the door, which in this scenario, for me, is a major accomplishment.
My most recent four miler was teeming with negative energy, a roller coaster of emotions and a slew of demoralizing thoughts. I was uninspired facing yet another distressing run. I just couldn’t fathom spending another hour feeling lousy. Thankfully I couldn’t resist the shining sun as it beckoned me to step outside. I made a deal with myself to just start and if it turned into a disaster I could either walk or turn around and go back home.
For the first half mile I fiercely debated the pros and cons of continuing. The comfort of my house was enticing, my legs protested relentlessly, and I was in a crappy mood which made the option of stopping very appealing. Deep down though, I knew that if I quit (especially so soon) I’d beat myself up about it all day.
As I neared the mile mark I noticed the sun beating on my face and the birds singing around me. Suddenly I felt my mind relaxing. Then I recognized a walker quickly approaching and I knew I had to persist. We waved and exchanged hellos and as we continued in opposite directions, my spirits completely lifted and I knew I was going to finish the run.
The first 2 miles of this particular route are notorious for its one long gradual hill that can be demoralizing. I was fully prepared to walk, but for some reason I just kept running. When I finally arrived at the turn around, I stopped to stretch and regroup. The worst part — the first step, the debate and the 2 mile uphill — was over. Now I just had to cruise home. Before I knew it, I was psyching myself up to see how fast I could go. It was going to hurt anyway, so I decided to make it count.
I managed negative splits finishing with a 9:15 mile which is a lot faster than I’ve run in quite a while. Of course I was aided by the downhill, but it lifted my spirits to see sub 10 minutes on my watch.
I was completely out of breath when my watch beeped after 4 miles, and couldn’t have run a step further. I was thrilled I had overcome the urge to give up and smacked doubt in the face by ending my run faster than I thought I’d be able to. Once I caught my breath, though, I was bombarded with thoughts such as “Less than 10 years ago you ran an entire marathon faster than that mile pace. How could you feel so terrible after 4 miles?”
I felt so far away from that marathoner. But the funny thing is — maybe physically I’m in much worse shape, but mentally I’m so much stronger. Don’t get me wrong — it’s extremely frustrating not getting faster and feeling like crap on runs that should be easy by now. The difference is, in the past I would have quit months ago. Now I get to capitalize on my mental strength and trust that God has a plan. As long as I keep putting 1 foot in front of the other and don’t give up and don’t give in to the voices that tell me to quit, I know eventually my fitness will improve.
That’s what this season of my life is about — redefining success, reevaluating my goals, and trusting that I’m on the right path. I still don’t know exactly why my body is struggling, but that doesn’t mean I can’t keep pushing forward. I’m in charge of how I face these challenges. I could easily give up to ease the discomfort, but in my heart I know that’s not going to actually help me. And besides, It’s more badass to face the challenge head on and keep moving despite the discomfort and unknowns, knowing that in the process I am getting stronger all around.
I choose to believe that one of these days all of this is going to pay off, and my body is going to be free from this crappy feeling, but even if it doesn’t, and I never run any faster or feel amazing on a run, it’s already paid off because of the strength I’ve built mentally.
If you’re frustrated by your circumstances, know that you are not alone. Long-term challenges can be exhausting, depressing, and annoying. But there’s an important lesson I’ve learned through all of the above, and it’s that a struggle can either crush us or make us stronger. But we have to choose how we respond. I’ve always tried to be strong on my own, and it always backfires. I realize God wants me to learn and grow from challenges. Once I set aside my pride and finally chose to trust Him to help me get through it, that’s exactly what He did. Suddenly, the silver linings and opportunities in front of me became clear, which changed everything.
If you are stuck, or if you don’t see anything good in your situation, try giving up control, ask for help, and then (and this is key!) keep your mind open to receive it. You’ve got nothing to lose!