Despite an ongoing battle with lupus, a year ago I said screw it and signed up for a half marathon. My episodes of pericarditis (inflammation of the lining of my heart causing chest pain and fluid buildup) were under control at last. I was no longer taking prednisone and was finally able to run consistently. My blood work had returned to normal and my cardiologist informed me that despite occasional heart rhythm irregularities and annoying palpitations (thanks perimenopause and covid!) my heart was strong. What better way to celebrate than with a challenge? I knew I could cover the distance, even if it meant walking.
The race was exciting and fun and exceeded my expectations, even though after 8 miles it became mostly a run/walk to get to the finish. In my past running life, I would’ve deemed that a failure. When I crossed the finish line an hour slower than my former self, I celebrated because out of my struggles a new appreciation for the ability to run had been born.
It’s been a year since my “comeback” race. My mindset and health continue to improve — thank God! It’s been liberating to let go of the hyper-competitiveness that at one time would have prevented me from trying. It’s taken a lifetime to learn that comparing myself to others is futile. Now I focus on giving myself grace. Until recently I was embarrassed to share my runs because I moved much slower than I used to, and progress often seemed nonexistent. But with a commitment to be kinder to myself, I learned to appreciate the act of running — regardless of how fast or slow I was moving.
As I gained control over my symptoms, my mantra became — You don’t need to feel good to get going, but you need to get going to give yourself a chance at feeling good (This quote by Brad Stulberg is my favorite and sits on my kitchen windowsill).
Even when I felt terrible (like trying to run in the heat of summer), I eased off and simply did what I could that day. Preventing a lupus flare while traveling around the country was much more important than hitting an arbitrary number of miles or maintaining a certain pace.
Lifting weights, at least 3 to 4 times a week, has been a game changer. My entire body is more stable and strong. Being more in tune with my body has helped me notice subtle changes that signal possible flare. That’s priceless when it comes to prevention.
I learned to appreciate aspects of running that I forgot about; the opportunity to get outside and enjoy fresh air and scenery, the ability to explore new places (especially when we were on the road this summer), the camaraderie of the running community, the satisfaction of taking that first step, and the feeling of accomplishment when I’m done.
Losing the ability to run caused me to fall in love with it all over again. I was inspired to restart a local running club that has been on hiatus. Now I meet a group of runners twice a week at 6 AM to run. That’s no small feat for me because (just ask my family), I am NOT a morning person. Being able to share early-morning miles and conversation boosts my motivation, and is key to my consistency.
I’ve learned how crucial movement is in managing lupus. The more I move the better I feel. Running gives me the opportunity to celebrate my recovery and inspires me to keep pursuing health. That’s empowering! I’ve learned I am stronger, both mentally and physically, than I realized. So now I am determined to show people that we have more control over disease than we are led to believe.
That half marathon a year ago taught me that it’s never too late to get back into the game. It was the starting line of a new chapter in my life – one where I’m stronger, empowered, more confident, wiser, inspired to take better care of myself, hopeful, and more grateful. Thank God I took a leap of faith and decided to toe the line a year ago. Remember these words from Brad Stulberg:
“Start where you are.
Not where you want to be.
Not where you think you should be.
Not where others think you should be.
But where you are.
Little by little becomes a lot.”
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