How fortunate am I to know so many amazing women who run? It’s crazy because unfortunately, for most of my life I’ve considered other women as competition. Growing up as an athletic tomboy who got her thrills from winning (beating all the girls AND boys), hyper-competitiveness became my default. Up until high school it was all in fun. But then before I knew it I found myself nervously toeing the starting line regarding everyone around me as the enemy. No one taught me this. It just happened. There was something about a race (or any competition) where stepping up to the start line flipped a switch in me. All of the girls I had been joking around with just two minutes earlier, turned into threats. I affixed imaginary targets to my friends’ and teammates’ backs as I silently begged God to help me beat them.
This tendency to view other women as my competition haunted me well into my 30s and 40s. For a long time I avoided races or running with others because I was afraid of losing and appearing weak. It seems so absurd now, but at the time I believed if I showed up and was unable to keep up with other women my age then everyone would think I was a failure. Would they judge me or see me as someone who USED to win, but is now unable to keep up while juggling a full-time job, nursing a newborn, dealing with sleepless nights, and everything else women are supposed to handle without blinking or complaining? Instead of seeing the women around me as allies, I perceived them as threats to my self worth. Their success exposed all of my shortcomings. Watching others succeed validated my insecurities. My warped mindset turned friendly competition into a battleground. What I actually fell prey to was the comparison trap, and the belief that if someone else succeeds it negates my accomplishment. I spent endless hours beating myself up because I couldn’t keep up and therefore felt as though I didn’t measure up.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with being competitive or striving to win. But for lots of people that mentality can quickly morph into something unhealthy. This competitive mindset doesn’t only exist in sports. There are plenty of women out there who view others as a threat in general. We endlessly scroll and compare. If I see a mom on social media with young kids who works full-time, appears to have the perfect family, cooks the perfect meals, runs really fast marathons, and is constantly smiling, immediately I feel inadequate and have negative thoughts about this complete stranger. It’s insane to be trapped in a game that’s only being played in my own head.
I don’t know if it’s a perk of perimenopause, but thank God my mindset has radically shifted. Plenty of women my age are talking about the pressures of being a female in the world, and how society taught us not to complain, to lower our voices and take up as little space as possible. How instead of seeking help from each other, we silently went at it alone and felt threatened by each other.
For too long, I struggled to be genuinely happy for anyone who ”beat” me. I preferred running alone and kept to myself to avoid comparing myself to anyone. Thankfully things have changed.
Running with the women in my running club has had a profound impact on my mindset. The amazing conversations, early morning laughter, and the countless moments where we opened up and encouraged each other has shown me what I’ve been missing out on all these years. When I stopped comparing and instead really listened to the women around me, they immediately inspired me. And it’s not simply a running thing. I learned that we all struggle with the same issues, we all have setbacks and fears, and we all have audacious goals. Incredible power is unleashed when we come together for support, to cheer each other on and celebrate together.
I cringe thinking about my former attitude. However, comparison and jealousy is something I’ve seen a lot of women fall into. Unfortunately it still exists between young girls, and it can be vicious. As a former teacher and high school coach, I know all too well that the “girl drama” still persists. Of course I’m not saying every female relationship is defined by this. I’ve had amazing friends who never subscribed to this mentality, but I also had plenty of others who’d stab you in the back in a heartbeat in order to elevate themselves. The mediations I did with fourth grade girls were startling examples of how early this competition and lack of support for each other begins, and it’s heartbreaking to see.
I hope that we can convince the younger generation that it doesn’t have to be this way. I don’t want them to have to wait until they’re in their 50s to realize how valuable we are to each other and to believe there’s room for all of us to succeed. Just think of what a difference we could make if we all came together and celebrated each other‘s accomplishments. After all, who else is going to truly understand all of the challenges we face — PMS, pregnancy, giving birth, not having kids, having kids and a career, sexism, and the endless body changes that go along with the menopause transition ( to name just a few)? We need to share our experiences, empathize with and support each other.
Now, when I see women my age working toward audacious goals and achieving great things, I no longer feel threatened. I’m inspired, motivated and grateful to them for putting themselves out there and showing all of us what’s possible. I’m so grateful for all of the incredible women I’ve run with this past year. They’ve taught me how to be a better person and I’m honored to know all of them. Their dedication, perseverance, humor, vulnerability, confidence, candor, and support have been priceless. Thank you for shining your light and sharing so many miles with me.
I’m going to leave you with this quote from Mel Robbins’ book The Let Them Theory. Coincidentally I came across it as I was writing this blog and felt it summed up a lot of what I’ve been thinking and added a cool perspective on jealousy.
“For most of my life I didn’t understand this. If someone achieved what I wanted, I told myself they had beat me to it. I looked at people around me and saw other people‘s wins as my losses. And when you see other people’s wins as your losses, it will make you feel defeated before you even start. If you’re not careful, comparison can become the reason why you doubt yourself, procrastinate, and continue to stay stuck. You’re capable of achieving the same success, but instead of working to create it, you’re actively arguing against what you want. This is an example of how you’ve turned other people into a problem, and they don’t need to be.
Jealousy is an invitation from your future self. It is inviting you to look more closely at someone else not to make you feel inferior, but to show you what is possible…. they show you the possibilities that you didn’t realize existed or told yourself you are incapable of achieving.”
