Lying still on an operating table as the largest needle in the history of the world penetrated my chest in order to drain the fluid that was slowly squeezing my heart to death, shook me to my core. I silently pleaded with God to spare my heart from being punctured, and if He did, I promised I would change. Suddenly I was acutely aware of how desperately I wanted to live.
The road to recovery from pericarditis and long haul Covid was bumpy and long, but I kept my promise. For once it wasn’t an empty one. That moment of helplessness in the hospital flipped a switch in me, changing my mindset overnight. I made it a priority to connect with God every day. Gratitude for things I typically took for granted soothed my soul. I cherished my family more. I craved being in nature so I spent more time there just taking it all in. The desire to finally DO the things I had been putting off “until tomorrow” (like lifting weights, running more and pursuing a coaching career) overwhelmed me. I started sharing my story and stopped worrying about what other people thought of me. It wasn’t long before I connected with others who were experiencing the same struggles, which motivated me to be proactive about my health in order to find answers and then share what I found.
When that needle plunged into my chest, it snapped me out of a trance I didn’t realize I’d been living in. Suddenly, I possessed this urgency to LIVE! But it was deeper than that. Stronger. I didn’t want to just live, but to be truly alive. For so long I had succumbed to the fear of embracing life, resigning myself to simply exist. The fear of failure prevented me from doing the hard thing, setting lofty goals or believing in myself. I was too focused on this arbitrary ideal I believed I had to attain which overwhelmed me and essentially paralyzed me. The value of small steps and appreciating the journey was lost on me.
But now here I was, a few weeks after being released from the hospital and I couldn’t run. Overnight I had gone from easily covering 6 miles to barely being able to walk a mile without my heart racing and lungs gasping for air. However, I was so grateful to be MOVING that I was determined to make the most of it. Afterall, how lucky was I to have a heart that was still beating? Maybe I couldn’t run, but I was still able to go for walks outside in the fresh air. Those walks taught me that I held the power to seize the moment, change my attitude and move forward with intention. I wasn’t where I wanted to be, but I wasn’t about to give up.
Changing our mindset, embracing gratitude and pushing through suffering is far from easy, especially if you’re like me and are prone to a bad attitude. I’ve WANTED to change over the years. Believe me I’ve tried. But I suppose there’s something extremely convincing about chest pains and hospital stays that gives us clarity. It’s as if God had had enough of my nonsense and forced me to open my eyes to reevaluate. (I highly recommend doing this long before it comes down to doctors and needles though!)
I’m still working on all of this. Things like running with others, spending more time with family and nature, and prayer help tremendously, especially when the chaos of the world wipes out my motivation. But all I have to do is remember my promise, and it gets me going, whether I feel like it or not.
Recently, my boys’ band had the privilege to open for Lacey Sturm. During her set, she paused to ask the crowd if we were living our lives fully alive. My entire body broke out in goosebumps as her words penetrated my heart. It was no mere coincidence that she spoke those words which validated my experience and stoked the fire inside me that had been ignited by the needle. For days I played the song (Fully Alive) on repeat so the words would forever be a reminder.
Am I walking through my life — my one and only unique life — essentially like a zombie, seeking comfort and distractions, going with the flow and defaulting to “I’ll start tomorrow?” Or am I living FULLY by setting audacious goals, loving people with my words and actions, taking time to appreciate the beauty around me, seizing the present moment, and genuinely connecting with people while seeking opportunities to help and encourage them? When I answer yes, that’s when inner peace prevails, and the chaos of the world fades away. All of the negativity that once consumed me melts away and I am able to embrace life.
No one wants to suffer, and given a choice we’d avoid illness or pain. But it’s often in the pain and suffering where the truth of our lives is exposed and we realize change is no longer optional. We understand that our lives are a gift, yet they can end in an instant. Being hit over the head by that realization is a great motivator. Clearly I don’t want to end up on my deathbed, wishing I had done more and lived more. We get one life and regret is not what I want defining mine.
Stop and imagine yourself in that moment. We will all face it one day. Be brutally honest with yourself. How are you living your life? Are you embracing it? Would you have any regrets? Right now you are living, but are you actually ALIVE?