Sometimes a message will apply so beautifully to your life that it becomes impossible to ignore. Life has been quite chaotic these last few months (dare I say years?) and now I find myself in an interesting situation. We sold our house of 20 years and bought a new house that we’re not living in yet. For the time being we’re living in our RV in a campground. I’m ready to start a coaching business but fear paralyzes me. And to top it off, this wonderful phase of life – aka perimenopause – is amplifying my emotions. To say I feel disoriented is an understatement.
So when we attended our soon to be new home church and heard that the next three months would be spent in the book of Joshua, I felt my soul stir. It couldn’t be a mere coincidence that I had decided a while ago to read through the Bible in order, and now I just so happened to be a few chapters away from starting the book of Joshua. God got my attention.
This past week I felt pretty overwhelmed with nothing in particular, just everything in general. Stress and chaos does that. Listening to the pastor recap the history of the Israelites journey through the wilderness, God‘s commissioning of Joshua to lead them to the promised land, then talk about ways to apply it to our own lives, captivated me. I was clearly meant to hear this.
He challenged us to think about the following questions:
*What leap of faith is in front of you?
*What edge are you standing on?
*Remember what God has already done in your life.
*Make the decision to trust and obey before fear takes over.
I also made note of these key points:
*Sometimes God gives you more than you can handle because he never intended for you to handle it alone.
*If God is calling you to it, He’ll get you through it.
*The strength for what God is calling you to do is found in him and he’s always with you.
It was as if he captured everything I’ve been thinking and feeling over these past few weeks and was now presenting me with tools to work through it all. The message was clear. I shouldn’t fear. I’ve got God. He will strengthen me and give me courage. So why is it that everything has been coming together to form what feels like an endless panic attack?
For one, my hormonal chaos isn’t helping. I can literally feel my hormones surging and crashing. One minute my mind is clear, motivated and positive, but the next I have no clue what I’m doing, and I want to rip my skin off and scream-cry for hours on end. No, I’m not crazy. Just feeling the effects of the wonderful world of perimenopause hormones.
Despite these raging feelings, I realize I have so much to celebrate. A recent clean bill of health, new house, new church, and a future full of endless possibilities. Don’t mistake my confession of being on an emotional roller coaster with ungratefulness. Far from it. But the intensity and mix of my emotions makes sense when I think of it in context of the message I just heard.
I’ve been on a long journey through what often felt like the wilderness — pericarditis, mystery illness, endless doctors with no answers, years of depression etc. — and even though it is minor compared to the 40 years of wandering by the Israelites, it still felt monumental at times. And now here I stand on the banks of what could potentially be my promised land ready to take one final leap of faith to enter. I keep saying it — my next chapter is awaiting. That sounds so exciting, so why am I freaking out?
Maybe it’s because my lifelong companions of fear and doubt and self reliance weigh heavy on my mind. Endless possibilities and unknowns can be scary AND exciting. Fear fuels the desire to turn and run back to my personal Egypt where I let fear rule and insecurity prevent me from pursuing dreams. At least there I know what to expect. There I don’t have to face the fear of failure. But I know that’s obviously not the answer.
I can only imagine how Joshua felt when he was given the task of leading millions of people into the promised land. But God knew how he felt so he strengthened him and gave him courage.
When I think about the fact that we just moved our entire lives to a new location filled with many unknowns, and the world of coaching is beckoning me, everything feels so much bigger and downright impossible. But I know that God is bigger. And he will strengthen me if I let him.
Looking at my past and at God’s track record I can clearly see that he’s brought me through so much, and when I lay it all out, it’s clear that he’s carried me through to this very point. I’m meant to be here. He kept me alive, gave me the skills to teach and write, a love of running and fitness, along with the desire to help and encourage others.
I stepped through the door that I was sure God had opened for me when I got certified and then when we sold our house. I continued to trust and move forward toward this new adventure, this new phase of life where I seize opportunity and get out of my comfort zone because life is too short to settle. I don’t want to waste my gift and I want to use my life experiences.
And when I think about all of that and all of the awesome things ahead of me, it honestly scares the crap out of me. The voice of doubt insists that I’m going to suck as a coach, and nobody will actually hire me. It screams Getting certified was a huge waste of time. It whispers You’re going to regret selling the house. You’ll never make any new friends. This was all a big mistake. That voice is very easy to listen to because it’s loud and obnoxious.
I thank God for the sermon this week because I realize that God isn’t asking me to do anything even close to leading millions of people to the promised land, even though what’s in front of me feels pretty freaking big. But I am standing on the edge of embracing this new life set out before me where my kids are grown and don’t need me as much, where I hope to build a business to use my experience to help others, and where we start our retirement phase of life in a completely new environment. I don’t know why that seems so monumental but it does. But I know that God is bigger. He was bigger than my pericarditis, my long Covid, my depression, my fear of setting a major goal and everything in between. Why do I forget that so often? I’m staring at my next chapter to where God has obviously led me and strengthened me along the way. Why would he abandon me now?
Just writing this down and laying it all out has helped tremendously. Excitement has been winning over fear. Sincere gratitude for all of the amazing places I’ve been fortunate to live in and for all God has clearly done in our lives is the prevailing sentiment. I mean really. How awesome and appropriate that I’d walk into church and our new community feeling this bundle of emotions, then walk out equipped with a list of questions and ideas that would clearly remind me that it’s all going to be ok because God is in the lead.
Joshua 1:9 “This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go”