Looking back on 2025 I’m amazed at everything that occurred in just a 12 month span. My attempt to define 2025 with one word resulted in a list of words ranging from busy to disorienting to fulfilling. So of course the word I chose is chaotic.
There were many moments (some lasting for days) of chaos as we bought a house, sold the one we were living in, embarked on three summer tours, lived in a campground for two months then finally moved to our new home. During that time I managed to train for a self supported 55K, completed my menopause coaching certification, and survived packing 20 years worth of stuff we had accumulated. There were too many moments to count when I closed my eyes to stave off the panic as I questioned what the heck I was doing. But there were also countless moments of certainty and peace that convinced us to keep going.
And now here we are. 2026. Settled into our new house, ready to write the next chapter. Physically, we’re all settled. The majority of our stuff has found its place making our house feel like our home. What’s surprising is it’s been more difficult to settle emotionally. We were so busy and on the go so often that I still feel myself resisting calm. I’m sure that is to be expected, especially after so many changes. It’s like my brain is still questioning whether it’s safe to turn off high alert mode.
Throughout the chaos of the last few months — especially after I completed the 55K and backed off on running – I often became my own worst enemy. I stopped running consistently and started eating more processed food because I was tired and stressed and quite frankly had too many other things to worry about. Little by little I noticed I was using food to comfort myself. Stress eating became my thing again. It’s funny because I know full well what the consequences of moving less and eating more junk are. I just became certified as a health, nutrition, and menopause coach for goodness sake! All the statistics, all the encouragement I’d share with others — I didn’t want to apply any of it to myself. I felt like a poser and a hypocrite because I was too tired to care.
I never stopped being vegan and compared to the standard American diet I was still eating fairly healthy. A year ago though I was eating only whole foods and my focus was on fueling my body so it could thrive, but now more sugar and processed foods like chips, bread, vegan meats, etc. were becoming more frequent choices. Of course I’m not striving to be perfect, but I know from experience that eating more of these foods makes me feel like crap. I know from all of my studies and research and all the latest science, that these foods cause inflammation and should be avoided, especially during perimenopause when we need to be nurturing our bodies even more. Not only that, but I knew firsthand how a healthier diet made me feel better, so why did I stifle that voice and decide to risk triggering some sort of flare?
That’s the million dollar question isn’t it? Why do we do the things we know we shouldn’t?
Choosing to pretend consequences don’t exist doesn’t stop them from coming. Slowly, I noticed my body aching more. My sleep was completely out of whack, and there was a month or so where I experienced the worst hot flashes ever. There was even a span of a few days when I started experiencing pericarditis again, but thankfully, I was able to halt it with ibuprofen.
I kept asking myself, Is the stress causing the pain, fatigue, mood swings, and hot flashes, or is it the food? Then those thoughts would stress me out more because they’d feed off each other. Stressed? Eat. Eat more? Get more stressed out because I ate like crap. It became a vicious cycle that I was trapped in and too tired and annoyed with myself to break.
Then the mind games began. How could you ever be a good coach? You can’t even follow your own advice. You know better than this. Your body is telling you something. But you’re too weak to do anything about it.
Name a defeating thought— I definitely thought it.
Plummeting hormones, lack of sleep, and the impending holiday coupled with never-ending crappy weather that’s kept me inside more than usual, made for the perfect storm. The result? My entire being was completely out of whack.
Thankfully, Christmas arrived just in time. Just when things felt hopelessly dark as my body raged from hormonal chaos, lack of excellent nutrition and sunlight, I was reminded of what really matters. A Christmas sermon series pointed me back toward the true source of peace, and I slowly began to see outside of myself. I’d been so focused on what was going wrong and trying to fix everything myself but inevitably I fell short. Of course, I’m the one responsible for putting unhealthy foods in my body, but I had forgotten to turn to God to ask him to help me and to comfort me. I had been stuck in a loop of bad choices and thoughts that fueled one another. Christmas reminded me to look up which finally set me free.
Thankfully I am starting to feel like myself again. There’s less resistance in my mind when it’s time to run or to go to the gym. I know that lifting and running always make me feel better. I’m reminded of how strong and happy I felt as I increased my mileage to train for my 55K. That’s a beautiful lesson. I know what works. The more I run and work out, the more I care about fueling my body so it can do what I’m asking it to do without breaking down.
Most importantly, the more I pray and ask for help, the more likely I am to do all of these things. When life is so chaotic, we often try to cope and control things on our own. I’ve been guilty of that these last few weeks. It’s so easy to get swept away into chaos. And this year was full of it. But upon reflection, I see the difference between the times that threatened to crush me, and when I rose above it. I counted on God to get me through the 55K and the training. I relied on him when the house problems arose. When I trusted I struggled less with everything – yes, even something as simple as going for a run. It was easier to run, lift, care about my health, and go outside when I was doing it with God as opposed to relying on my own strength.
Despite the speed bumps, I had a pretty exciting year. I accomplished a huge goal along with several smaller ones along the way, and we took a leap of faith into our next chapter of life. I’m looking forward to setting new goals and practicing what I preach as I move forward. We all have periods of struggle and there are times when making healthier choices is easier than others. Nothing is ever perfect. But instead of turning to God for comfort, I chose food to relieve my stress which of course failed. Thanks to the chaos of 2025, I know that if I rely on God and grow my faith, he will guide me through whatever comes my way and provide the true comfort I crave in times of chaos.